Dear Advy,
I am seeing a troubling trend—many of my colleagues turn to alcohol or other substances as a way to cope with stress. There’s an unspoken culture of drinking in networking events, firm socials, and even informal client meetings. I worry about my own relationship with alcohol, but I don’t know how to step away without feeling like I’m missing out or raising eyebrows. Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Sober but Stressed
Dear Sober but Stressed,
You're right. Drinking alcohol is enmeshed in the culture of lawyers' social events, often in unhealthy ways.
I would push back a bit on your comment that it’s a trend. This has been a chronic problem in our profession for many years. However, just because it’s been around for a long time doesn’t mean it isn’t something we can work to fix. I should add that in an increasingly diverse profession, insisting that someone take a drink at a social event not only creates anxiety for those of us who prefer not to drink but it may also put those of us who have religious or cultural reasons not to accept alcohol (Muslim lawyers, members of the Church of Latter Day Saints and other groups) in a difficult position and can become a barrier to participation in professional events.
One thing to remember is that what you do and don't do in a public event is not noticed as much as you think. In most cases, someone offering you a drink at an event is doing it because that’s what is expected of them (or so they believe). If you say no, even if someone expresses surprise, odds are that will not be the impression they retain of you. That little voice inside your head that tells you everyone is staring at you in shock because you said no to that drink is just that – a little voice inside your head. It’s not a fact even if it feels like it is in the moment.
Saying no, or opting for a non-alcoholic option, is much less controversial that you may feel it is. Abstaining from alcohol or just reducing your intake of alcohol is increasingly popular. A 2023 Statistics Canada study showed that 59% of women and 49% of men reported having had no alcohol at all in the week before the survey and younger respondents were even more likely to report having reduced or limited their alcohol consumption. That trend appears to apply to much of the western world.
Add to that, we are much more aware of the dangers of drinking and driving and other deleterious effects of alcohol on essential daily activities than we were decades ago. If you feel you need to make an excuse for not drinking, saying “I’m driving.” “I have to put my kids to bed later.” “I just took something for my headache/hay fever/whatever.” or my favourite “I need a clear head for Parkour tomorrow” are tried and true useful ruses to avoid disapproval when it comes to alcohol. Okay, maybe the Parkour one isn’t quite as tried and true but it’s still worth a try. No one will be following up later to find out if the reason you gave is true, so this is a rare occasion when honesty is not entirely required.
The point is you are not alone. There are almost certainly fewer eyebrows raised than you think.
I notice you mention twin worries:
- Fear that by abstaining from alcohol you are missing out on something; and
- Concern about your own relationship with alcohol.
No, I am not going to shame you for being worried about what you are potentially missing out on. We humans are social beings and for better or for worse, alcohol has a long history as a catalyst for interpersonal and group bonding. Your worry is both natural and understandable.
One way to deal with nagging worries is to talk them over with someone else. Verbalizing your concerns usually helps you manage them better than just thinking about them. If talking it over with someone else isn’t an option, then consider writing down your worries about missing out. Try to respond to your thoughts in the same compassionate way you would probably do if you were talking to a friend bringing this concern to you.
The important question is, what would you be missing out on? There is probably nothing particularly important or useful that you would miss by not participating in drinking. That being said, it’s more helpful for you to name the things you believe you may be worried about missing out on and weigh that missed opportunity you perceive against the cost of consuming alcohol than it is for me to tell you that.
You can apply that same approach to your worry about your relationship with alcohol. Like all addictive substances, a relationship with alcohol is often fraught. You don’t say exactly what your relationship with alcohol is, so any advice I can give you is of limited use. Luckily, your jurisdiction’s lawyer assistance program has counsellors and often peer support workers who can provide you with personalized, expert help with sorting out that relationship. You don’t need to wait for a crisis to ask for help. Getting some guidance or even just a sounding board to work through your concerns before they develop into something more serious is a perfect use of the resources your lawyer assistance program has to offer.
This may also be an opportunity for you to advocate for change. Lawyers often default to using alcohol for breaking down interpersonal barriers even where there could be better, more creative ways (not to mention more healthy ways) of accomplishing the same thing. See if you can find allies in your community who could help develop new social activities that don’t involve imbibing.
As mentioned earlier, alcohol can create barriers for many people who would like to participate in firm or group social occasions. Wouldn’t it be great if providing and allowing anyone to opt for their beverage choice were normalized? You could also simply adapt existing activities to be alcohol free. In fact, including alcohol in social functions doesn’t have to be a binary choice. You may be able to simply expand the options for lawyers like yourself who want to participate in lawyers’ social functions without using alcohol even if some participants still want to have it available.
There’s a good chance that there are others attending those same functions you are who are just as uncomfortable as you are and would welcome the chance to break free of this too.
Be well,
Advy
