Dear Advy,
How do I set work boundaries when I'm the only associate in a small firm? Beyond having a strong talking to with ‘myself’, I have a hard time saying no to taking on more work. What if I turn something down only to have future clients dry up.
Sincerely,
Boundary Shy
Dear Boundary Shy,
You’re balancing protecting yourself from the harm of being overworked and possibly burned out versus the risk that clients or other lawyers at your firm will stop coming to you for help if and when you say no to more work. Neither of those outcomes help, which is what makes this hard to do.
To start with a definition – since we’re all lawyers around here – The Canadian Oxford Dictionary defines a boundary as “…a line marking the limits of an area, territory etc.” We’re talking about demarcating a behavioural or psychological boundary here so we’re relying on the “etc.” part of that definition. Declaring something is a boundary does nothing for you if you can’t maintain it over the long term. These boundaries you’re setting will have to be enforced and adjusted over the course of your evolving career and what works for one person won’t necessarily work for you. If you want to set and maintain durable boundaries, it’s important to remember that this is a balancing act that’s unique to you.
Let’s deal with a preliminary issue. I notice you mention having a “strong” talk with yourself, but don’t find that having those “strong” conversations is making much difference. My guess is that when you use the word “strong” it means talking to yourself harshly about this problem you’re facing.
We often imagine that berating ourselves is the best and often only way to motivate ourselves to change. In fact, the opposite is true. Treating yourself with compassion not only helps you feel better, but it also puts you in a better position to actually remedy problematic habits and behaviours. I’m going to be asking you to sit down with a pen and paper in hand if possible. Yes, actually writing it out with your own hand tends to embed what you learn in this exercise more effectively than typing it out or recording your self-reflection in some other way. In order for that to work, though, it must be something more than an opportunity to self-flagellate.
Ask yourself these questions and write down your answers:
- Why are you saying “yes” in the moment when someone comes to you to ask you to do some legal work for them?
- What could you do right now that would help support a future version of you that’s tempted to say yes, when you really should say no?
How you draw durable boundaries depends entirely on your answers to those questions.
When a senior lawyer comes to you and asks you to take something on, how exactly do you respond? This is likely a question you have several answers for (depending on which lawyer is asking, what kind of case, what your immediate workload is etc.) so don't expect this to be a one-line answer. Your response is probably also sequential, i.e., you have an immediate reaction, an intermediate response (after the initial presentation of the request but while the lawyer is still there) and a subsequent response. Each of those is worth thinking about and writing down for yourself.
Is your response any different if the person requesting your help is a client directly as opposed to another lawyer in your office? If you do receive those kinds of requests and if it does go any differently with clients versus other lawyers, then ask yourself how you respond to those kinds of requests. You may even be able to develop categories of client requests like “Calls about child support” or “Calls from people who have been self-representing until now.”
Write out each question and your answer on separate pages for each kind of scenario. You may end up with a separate page for each of the senior lawyers in your office to the extent that the workplace dynamic you have with each is different. You will probably have yet another separate page or pages for clients who contact you directly rather than through the more senior lawyers.
It’s important that when you ask these two questions of yourself, you ask each in the way you’d ask a friend who came to you to ask you that question about themselves. That exercise of imagining how you would respond to a friend bringing these concerns to you can help you respond more compassionately – and more effectively – to the habits you’re trying to change. Even if you’re asking yourself tough questions, asking them compassionately will help you make this a constructive exercise. Writing down “I say yes because I am a weak person who disappoints people all the time” a dozen times doesn’t really do you a lot of good. Coming back to that point about your “strong” conversations with yourself for a moment, your analysis will be impeded if you treat yourself harshly.
Yes, Advy is getting a bit repetitive here, but treating yourself with compassion is easier said than done. Lucky for you, your local lawyers’ assistance program can help you get professional help in going through this exercise and probably can also provide you with resources and peer support. Your lawyer assistance program provides this help confidentially, and for my favourite price: FREE!
When you ask the second question (“What can I do right now…”), remember that hoping you’ll do better next time is not a plan. We think of our decision-making as something we exercise in the moment using something we call “willpower”. The problem with relying on willpower in the moment is that – as you’ve been experiencing – in the moment there are all kinds of distractions that make it harder for you to make the best decisions possible. Maybe you’ve never been approached by this particular partner in the firm and your feeling of being flattered you were asked for this help blinds you to the fact that you just don’t have time right now. Maybe the client who called you with an intense personal problem reminds you of someone you know and care about and that resemblance causes you to want to help even if you’re not the best person to provide that help. Maybe you’re visiting friends or family soon and really wish you had some cool-sounding cases to say you’re working on even though your uncool existing workload is already enough. Maybe you’re more likely to say yes to bad work when you’re hungry or tired or have restless muscles from sitting at your desk too long.
These kinds of non-rational, in-the-moment distractions from rational decision making are sometimes called “Noise” or “Decision Noise” – Noise, A Flaw In Judgement - see page 355.
In the real world, you are constantly bombarded by them. To make better decisions, you need to examine what kind of noise you experience in deciding what work you take on and develop plans for yourself that help you filter out that noise and let you make decisions based on what you can actually do.
How then do you draw and – importantly – maintain boundaries to keep yourself healthy? There’s no one answer, which is why you need to do that compassionate self-inquiry about why you allow people past your boundaries now. I can imagine a few answers you might come up with to the first question I listed above, and I’ll suggest a few possible rules/plans to help you say no when saying no is the best answer. I hope these might give you a few examples to start with, but the best solutions are the ones that flow from your own compassionate observations about what you tend to do.
- Some people have a hard time saying no when someone really seems to need help, consider scripting a series of “No, but…” answers for yourself that you can use when heart-tugging requests for help come your way. Your impulse to help is admirable, but in practice it is causing you to harm your own future. Saying “No, but…” allows you to provide some amount of help while still keeping the work of solving the problem off your desk. It doesn’t suppress your predisposition to help, but instead just redirects it to a healthier outcome for you. It’s jujitsu for your instincts. Examples of good “No, but…” answers can be:
- “No, but I’ve got the number for the free community legal clinic right here. It’s……”
- “No, but this would be a problem that an accountant could help you with better than I could. Here’s the numbers of a couple of good accountants I know…”
- “No, I’m too busy right now, but if you can call me back in January, I believe my calendar should be more open than it is right now.”
- “No, but there’s a great self-help guide on the court’s website right here….”
- “No, but there’s another lawyer who does excellent work in this area and would be happy to hear from you. Here’s her e-mail address….”
Saying these things in the moment is much easier if, reflecting on your experience thus far in your career, you anticipate the problematic request you’ll receive and write out ahead of time a scripted answer for it. Reading your own notes is a lot easier to do when you’re distracted, tired, and overwhelmed than coming up with a good “No, but…” answer ad lib. By the way, if you try and fail to give someone a good “No, but…” answer, take that as an opportunity to script a better answer for the next time a similar request comes your way.
Remember that making a high-quality referral enhances that person's perception of your competence. You’re giving up work but at the same time burnishing your “brand” as a good person to go to for help with problems even if that help is sometimes providing a great referral to someone else. Referring someone to more effective/immediate/inexpensive help is also more useful to them in the long run than taking on their case and then having to disappoint them later by dropping the case or, worse, doing a poor job of it.
- If you are afraid that your boss will punish you for refusing work by not coming to you in the future, limiting your career in the firm, or even outright terminating you, bring that concern to your boss. If the senior lawyers are collectively overwhelming you with work, it’s probably not because they have a conspiracy to render you burnt out. It’s much more likely that Senior Lawyer #1 has no idea how much work Senior Lawyers #2, 3, and 4 are asking you to do. Remember that your firm has a vested interest in the quality, not just the quantity, of your work.
- If you say “yes” when you should say “no” at times when you’re hungry, tired, restless, bored or anything similar, develop and maintain a deliberate habit of eating well (and regularly), getting adequate sleep1, going for walks outside the office and so on. Create a healthy habit to counter-act each unhealthy impulse you identify.
- If you find you’re saying “yes” because you are overly self-critical and don’t think much of your own worth, have a conversation with one of those counsellors at your lawyers’ assistance program. Also, consider putting together a playlist of “Stand Tall” songs on your music device/platform of your choice. Choose songs that make you feel good about yourself and your abilities. This is definitely a short-term temporary solution, but music can be an excellent tool to reorient your distracted, self-effacing mind at least for a while. One caution based on personal experience: Singing along out loud to “Eye of the Tiger” at the office or, worse, copying the band’s hairstyles is somewhat career-limiting.
Learning to say “no” when you need to say “no” is a skill you’ll need to learn, and re-learn, and re-re-learn over the course of your career. It’s important and valuable to spend time developing it at this early stage in your career.
Be well,
Advy