Dear Advy
I am nearing mid-career or winding down heavy practice, having different priorities such as my health and some challenging family issues. I am getting older and recognize that I have changed in how I view both my personal and professional life, yet my firm expects me to stay the same in terms of the pace. I want to figure out how to reconcile my shift in priorities with my practice. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
The Newer Me
Dear Newer Me,
Good for you for putting a priority on your health and family! Important though it may be, a career cannot replace either.
You’re not alone in struggling with this. The National Study on the Health and Wellness Determinants of Legal Professionals in Canada found that conflict between your own needs and the needs of your family versus the demands of legal practice is a significant factor in the kinds of distress that lead to burnout, depression, and other psychological difficulties:
“… work–life conflict is the most important risk factor in the personal and family sphere. This sense of conflict stems from the perception of work spilling over into the personal and family sphere to the point where it prevents the professional from fully assuming some of their nonwork responsibilities. The analysis shows that work–life conflict is associated with a significant increase in perceived stress, psychological distress and depressive symptoms. (Federation Report)”
The problem, you say, is that the firm expects you to maintain the same pace of work that you did when you were younger and presumably did not have to focus as much on your health and family issues.
I have one preliminary question for you: Where are you getting the impression that your firm expects you to maintain the pace of work that you did when you were younger? Your observation could well be perfectly valid, of course. Law firms often do not speak with one voice when it comes to how you should manage your practice within the firm. As a young lawyer who wrote in to this column observed, the pressure to stay in the office until late at night is less about clear firm policies and more about unspoken and sometimes unconscious “rules” of the legal workplace. The best way to be certain of what your firm actually expects of you is to have a frank discussion about it with your colleagues. It’s possible they have never given any thought to what they expect of you when it comes to how many hours you put in.
Let’s assume that you’re right and the firm has an expectation of you that makes it impossible for you to balance the firm’s wants and needs versus the needs of your family and your own health. My first piece of advice is this: You don’t have to go through this alone.
A quote often attributed to Abraham Lincoln is “A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.” Now, Abe may have been a little unfair to self-represented litigants, but there is nonetheless some truth to this adage. You can apply the same logic to working through psychological stressors as we do to legal problems. Trying to work through the strain of balancing work with home all by yourself is not exactly wise, especially when there is help readily available. Your local lawyer assistance program has counsellors and, in many cases, peer support volunteers who can help you manage the conflict between home and the office. Those programs are free, and they are confidential. A few programs also provide the same kind of assistance to family members as well as you, so the other people in your household that are dealing with this stress alongside you can also benefit from free help. Give your lawyer assistance program a call and see what is available in your area.
Now, how do you go about redefining those expectations the firm has of you that are putting a strain on your health and family commitments?
Ultimately, this is a negotiation. You and the firm have conflicting needs that must be reconciled for your relationship with the firm to carry on. I recommend reading a previous letter to this column for specific strategies to negotiate a change in the character or pace of your practice.
The key, though, is to recognize this is a negotiation, and it is in substance a negotiation with your firm about a business issue. Yes, I appreciate you may need to read that last sentence twice. Limits on your availability to the firm’s needs are as much a business issue as limits on availability of pens or Wi-Fi capacity. Your need to reduce your workload to meet your own requirements and those of your family is not a personal failing on your part.
Many lawyers often feel pressure to be accomplished in their careers and at home. That notion that you can fulfill all the roles you have in life perfectly and indefinitely leads to burnout and even more dangerous conditions, as mentioned in that passage from the National Study above.
Why am I going on about this? As in many negotiations, the hardest person at the bargaining table to manage is often yourself. Feelings of guilt and inadequacy can lead you to make concessions you later regret and to undermine yourself in other ways as well. Lingering guilt over not being able to accomplish everything others expect - or seem to expect - from you can not only hamper your ability to negotiate with your firm but also make your life miserable. So, Step 1 in approaching your firm about this problem is to reconcile yourself that you can’t always “do it all” and that’s just because you’re human.
While we’re tackling debilitating myths, here is another one: “Asking my colleagues to accept limits on my availability will make them think less of me.” We human beings consistently underestimate the willingness of others to support us when we ask. In fact, there is solid evidence that people will view you as more competent, not less competent for having asked for help. Your firm has a vested interest in your long-term productivity and creativity. Even from a purely self-interested perspective, your firm is far more likely to agree to reasonable boundaries around your personal and family life than you lead yourself to believe. When your firm seems to ask you to put in long hours you can’t sustain, chances are that this is not from a desire to ruin your life but rather simply having not thought about what effect that could have on your life and health. That expectation you are referring to could well have developed in a fit of absent-mindedness on the firm’s part.
Approach your firm colleagues, ideally face-to-face. Making this kind of request in person or (as a second choice) over a video or phone call will be much more likely to succeed than a written request. Tell them, frankly, that you need to put limits on your workload in order to support your own well-being and that of your family. Open the door to having a creative, positive discussion about how you could meet the firm’s reasonable expectations while still preserving or even rebuilding a fulfilling personal life.
Be prepared for a less-than-ideal reaction at first. No, I’m not telling you to expect the worst. As mentioned, your colleagues are more likely than you believe to receive what you have to say positively. However, human beings often say stupid things, especially when taken by surprise. Don’t read too much into an insensitive comment you may receive when you first broach the matter with your colleagues. While that doesn’t excuse what someone may say, remember that you are aiming for a change in the way the firm treats you. Pay more attention to what your colleagues actually do in response to your request for more limited practice rather than to what one of them may say; especially what they say at first.
I hope you find a way to balance your personal and family needs with the demands of your career.
Be well,
Advy