"I’m Tony and I’ll Be Your Lawyer Tonight"

by Tony Wilson

Old Keg waiters seem to be everywhere these days. Even on the Bench.
So...how’s the book coming?” is a question I’m asked all too often these days. “Which book?” is my stock response, alluding to a book on franchise law I’ve had out since February. “No, not that thing” they say dismissively, not caring about sales, royalties, or for that matter, franchising. “The other book. You know, the one you’re writing about your days at ‘The Keg.’”

Yes. I am writing a book about “The Keg.” Like so many of us in this profession, including, I’ve just discovered, the new Chief Judge of the Provincial Court (we’re everywhere!), my legal education in the early ’80s was financed by the tips I earned slinging steaks at The Keg; in my case, the Kegs of Victoria. So in 2003, I wrote a piece for the Globe called “Confessions of a Former Keg Waiter.” I described what it was like to say “Hi my name’s Tony and I’ll be your waiter tonight”, go to wild hot-tub parties after work and lead the hedonistic life that Keg waiters led in those wonderful days when our professional services were performed, billed and collected in the space of 90 minutes without the need for liability insurance or collection agencies. (Imagine the concept … you put the bill on the table and they pay it before they leave! Now why can’t we do that in this profession?)

The reaction to the article was astounding. Not only did it cause a reunion of my old crew in Victoria, but I received around 40 e-mails from perfect strangers from across Canada, some of whom suggested I turn it into a book. So that’s what I’m doing. Its full of my old war stories about loopy customers, separate cheques, dropped drinks, not-so-dumb waiters, and what those former waiters (and waitresses) may be doing now that their salad bar days are over. I don’t know whether to call it “Everything I Learned About Law, I learned at The Keg” or “Kegmares” (being the name we gave to the restaurant based nightmares that we all still get). With around 120,000 ex-Keg employees out there, nostalgic for stories of their wayward misspent youth, the book’s not such a wacky idea when you do the math. And out of the millions of Keg customers over the past 36 years, you’d think a few thousand might like to find out why the line-ups were so long and what really happened to the people who didn’t pay their bills (we didn’t tax their accounts, if you’re wondering).

So far, publishers seem lukewarm to the idea. After all, it’s Canada, and I’m not Margaret Atwood. The people I’ve dealt with obviously never worked at a Keg, and only become interested if they think The Keg will buy a few thousand copies to give away instead of spanish coffee glasses. And I think The Keg, quite understandably, is leery about committing, sight unseen, to a book about its colourful history in much the same way that Virgin billionaire Sir Richard Branson doesn’t like being reminded in front of the Queen that he once promoted the Sex Pistols. But as someone’s toying with a Fringe Festival production based on my manuscript, I guess I’d better finish it. Needless to say, with a busy law practice and a couple of kids in every extra-curricular activity known to MasterCard, it’s hard to find the time. And as much as I have a lot of funny stories from my own experience, I could use a few more from those of you who ever worked, drank, partied or of all things, ate at a Keg. Send them my way for your very anonymous 15 minutes of fame. Even if you’re now a judge.

Tony Wilson is a Franchise Lawyer and shameless book promoter at Boughton. He’s written for the Globe and Mail, the Vancouver Sun, and Macleans magazine. E-mail: twilson@boughton.ca

This article was published in the October 2005 issue of BarTalk and is subject to the copyright by the British Columbia Branch of the Canadian Bar Association, 2005, all rights reserved.