Please Circulate to all Lawyers and Staff

by Tony Wilson

As some people are sensitive to perfumes, colognes, lotions and other scents, we would appreciate that all lawyers and staff cooperate with us in creating a scent-free environment at the office. When you use strong scents, remember that you are using powerful chemicals. Yes, shampoo is a powerful chemical, as is soap, but it all depends on how you define “chemical” isn’t it, as salt is also a powerful chemical if you’re a slug or a trout. Anyway, we digress. Even if these politically incorrect chemicals do not affect you, that does not mean they won’t affect someone close to you, giving them a migraine or sinus problems, or jealousy down in word processing over a rare but desirable eau de toilette. Catfights may break out among the women in the real estate group over the L’air du Temps the new conveyancer is bathing naked in. Or worse, it could lead to lust, which is Verboten these days in law firms. Other symptoms can include watery eyes, sore throat, bad breath, narcolepsy, irritable bowel syndrome, writer’s block, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. The natural odors of our bodies do not need scents, even under stress.

As some people are vegetarians in the firm, we would appreciate that all lawyers and staff cooperate with us in creating a meat-free environment at the office. When you eat meat, remember that you are eating one of God’s creatures that walked the earth and were once a baby something, just like you (only with four legs. Or wings). Even if eating meat doesn’t affect you, that does not mean eating meat won’t affect someone close to you, giving them a migraine or sinus problems, incontinence, bad breath, narcolepsy, irritable bowel syndrome, dry scalp, mad cow disease, heartburn, indigestion, or diarrhea. So remember, all meat in the office is now Verboten.

As some people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) during the fall and winter months in the firm, we would appreciate that all lawyers and staff cooperate with us in creating a weather-discussion-free environment at the office. When you talk about the weather to someone with SAD, especially during the dark, depressing and suicidal winters we get, it could affect someone. Even if talking about the weather does not affect you, that does not mean speaking about the endless rain and dark dreary days won’t affect someone close to you, giving them a migraine or sinus problems, watery eyes, sore throat, cough, chest tightness, sleepiness, bad breath, narcolepsy, irritable bowel syndrome, writer’s block, the heartbreak of psoriasis, hemorrhoids, dry scalp, mad cow disease, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, or diarrhea. Talk about Heroes at the water cooler or Studio 60 or the pure and natural bodily odors in our scent free office, but no more weather discussions.

As you know, Bill is getting married next week, so we’re having a stag for him this Thursday night in the Lawyer’s Lounge. Rob has some cigars to share around and Larry has arranged for some strippers to show up around 9 p.m., so it might be a good idea if the female lawyers keep a wide berth, (even if you’ve slept with Bill), as we may get drunk and compare which one of you has the best thong.

But remember, as its being held at the firm, no scents, no meat, and don’t talk about the weather.

Tony Wilson is a Franchise and Intellectual Property Lawyer at Boughton in Vancouver. He’s written for the Globe and Mail and Macleans, but was not chosen for this year’s “Random Celebrity Guy.” twilson@boughton.ca

This article was published in the April 2007 issue of BarTalk and is subject to the copyright by the British Columbia Branch of the Canadian Bar Association, 2007, all rights reserved.